Baby showers!

So on Sunday I had the opportunity to shoot my first baby shower. I gotta tell you I was nervous. I don't know why I was so nervous I was just going to a house I had never been to with a house full of people I have never seen before. No reason to be nervous!! I keep getting more and more nervous which is not good because in this profession you can't be nervous when you meet new people.
I first have to give a huge thank you to Janice who invited me to the shower and also a huge thank you to her daughter Amber who is actually having the baby. I think the first problem was that the party was at 3 in the afternoon so the light wasn't all that great. Also the light that I did have was fading quickly! I think the biggest problem though was that I was very unprepared! I have to learn more and keep practicing. But that is why we go things over and over again so we get better! I still have a lot to learn but I am an pen book just waiting to be filled with information.
Anyhow the results came out nice. I think so anyway....I hope that Amber and Janice like them. I also can't wait until December when Amber has the baby and she said I could take the newborn pictures! I am very excited about that but that is if they still want me to....

A Clear Head....Finally!

So I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying for this past week. I will tell you one thing, this week as not been a walk in the park! I have shed a LOT of tears and written tons of pages in my journal. And everything boils down to this one thought....I can do this!
My last blog was probably the lowest I have been in a long time. Funny how this time I wrote a blog about it. But to be perfectly honest it actually helped. Last Monday was my breaking point! I found myself on the floor of my kitchen, in the dark, crying my eyes out! But then the weirdest thing happened...I suddenly felt this warmth around me and all of the sudden my heart was full of love and the answers I had been looking for were all in my head. My tears of sadness and loneliness suddenly turned into tears of joy and hope. Hope...a word I thought was lost to me forever is now all I can think about. Hope for the future, hope for me, and hope for everyone else that I love and care about. But mainly hope for myself! I have lived to long worried about what other people think that I forget to think about what I want and what I care about. Even in my last blog I was worried about 1 person's opinion about what I want to do with my life and no one should ever make you question yourself! So lets start this over again.
My name is Bri, I'm 23 years old and I want to be a Photographer when I grow up! Then again I don't really want to grow up but yeah everyone has to someday. I have spent a week getting into my head and figuring out why I love photography......
I love what happens when people are put in front of a camera. You get to see someone for who they really are. There is so much you can do with photo shop but one thing you can't replace or add or edit is who the person is. I love being behind the camera and getting know someone all over again. I love the relationships you make at a photo shoot. Getting to be a part of someones special moment whether it is at a party, at a park, or even in the middle of the desert. Having someone trust you enough to let you see them is a feeling I don't think I would trade for anything. I hear people say to "live your life," and "don't waste another day," and I want to do all that from behind a camera lens. Travel the world and see everything that this beautiful planet has to offer. Being there for my friends on their special days. Capturing the absolute beauty of a single moment.
Things change and I use to think that changes were bad until I witnessed the biggest change of all....myself!

Confusing Changes

I don't know where to start? I thought I had everything figured out and now I think I really don't have anything figured out. I use to know what I wanted and now... I just don't know? Ever since I was little when anyone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was always the same, something in law enforcement. It went from a police officer, then a detective, then a profiler, and then a crime scene investigator. But the field never changed. That's what I wanted, that was my dream. Then when I got to high school things started to change.
I wanted to join the military, being really good in JROTC was a plus. I was good at it and I honestly can say that I loved it. I was also good in band but JROTC won my heart. I remember actually being excited to get up in the morning and go to school. 7th period was by far my favorite class, drill team. Then I got a job at Albertsons and high school ended. It was time for college and to actually decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.
College started and my major was nothing other than, Criminal Justice. My first year at UNLV was fun. I had no friends but the classes were fun and work actually worked with me so I could go to school and still keep my job. Then more changes happened and all of the sudden I went from a full time student to only taking one class a semester. Suddenly work became everything! I would get up in the morning, go to work, come home, sleep, and then do it all over again. That would be awesome if I liked what I did. Even to this day, 5 years later, I still work at Albertsons and right now I am not in school.
I'm not in school because if I restrict myself at work then I lose my hours, which means I lose money, which means I can't afford school. So I work as much as I can and put school on the back burner. Sitting here writing this makes me sad because you would think that a job would want you to further your education but that's not the case! Then one more change happens...
I decide to change my major from Criminal Justice to Photography and everything flips upside down. It's not enough that I can't afford to go to school but what really sucks is that now I actually want to go to school and become something better and I can't. I want to explore this amazing world and learn everything I can about this consantly changing field but I can't. I know where there is a will there is a way but I can't take the chance of my job finding out I'm going to school and cutting my hours, I can't take that chance! And the cherry on top of my pity cake is that the one person I thought would be happy for me, I don't really think is!
The one person who inspired me to chase a dream and don't let anyone or anything stop me seems to now not talk to me. It hurts because growing up we never really got along and then she became one of my best friends. I know there is a way to fix this but I'm so confused on how to? Do I change my major and go into another field and 10 or 15 years down the road wonder "what if"? Or do I not change my major and risk losing something dear to me?

So many questions and so many answers but which ones are the right answers? I'm confused and all I can say right now is changes are hard! I wish there was a way to just pull myself out of this and have everything be ok but I can't. Going through this will hopefully make me stronger and maybe....I don't know...I just don't know??